I've been told, by someone who I'm sure has my best interests at heart, that I have to get rid of my bathroom scale. Easy? Think again!
To understand why this is so hard for me you have to throw all rational thought out the window and live in my head for a while. It's a very busy place that can either be my best friend or my most vicious critic, often switching at a moment's notice. Unfortunately, when it comes to my body it never quite reaches the friend place.
A little bit of history might help here. I've been on a diet since I was 9 years old. Every day I'd try to eat the prescribed food that was handed to me on a list, and every morning I'd get on the scale to see if I'd managed to lose weight or if I'd failed and picked up a gram or two.
And slowly over time those numbers began to be less about my weight and more about control and failure. It didn't help that I also have a problem with body dysmorphia. If you've never suffered from this condition you won't understand. The fact is that I can look in the mirror and look okay and then eat one biscuit and see myself looking like Rosie O'Donnell on a bad day! (Sorry Rosie) Rationally I know my body can't change so much in a matter of minutes, but being rational doesn't change what I actually see.
As I grew older and entered teenage years I developed the usual eating disorders swinging between Anorexia and Bulimia. If I do say so myself I was very good at both and to be honest, if they weren't so bad for my body, I would probably still be using both as a way of coping with stress.
After twelve years I was exhausted and my body was sore. I woke up one morning and decided that I wasn't going to have an eating disorder anymore and went cold turkey and "cured" myself.
And yet, I still weighed myself every day.
This doesn't sound so bad, I mean most people do that don't they? Apparently not. And to be honest it isn't the weighing myself every day that's the problem, it's how it makes me feel about myself. If I lose weight (even 2 grams) I'm the happiest person for that day but if I put on weight I feel like such a failure and I'm in a bad mood all day. Slowly, without me ever realising it, the scale had become the instrument I would use to tell me how to feel about myself that day.
And now I don't have it anymore. Strange as it may seem I feel really lost. I'm sure this is just the start of a long journey. Maybe one day I will wake up and feel okay but today, without the scale, I don't know what I look like or how to feel about myself and this I am finding really hard!
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