Learning the art of negotiation
How do you get what you want without being seen as selfish or manipulative? How do you avoid being a doormat and giving in just to keep the peace? This is an aspect of my life I have always struggled with. In order to gain approval, I chose the soft option of giving in and then becoming more and more resentful and finally exploding and wrecking yet another relationship. I had not been able to be assertive without being aggressive.
Shyness and ADHD
Throughout my childhood I was labelled painfully shy.
In class I wouldn't ask questions or volunteer answers, oral exams were terrifying and going into a shop which wasn't self service was something I avoided as much as possible.
I missed out on so many opportunities because I refused to participate. I was afraid of everyone and terrified of making a fool of myself.
This description from Wikipedia perfectly describes who I was.
What do you expect of your spouse, your partner, your children, your family, your employer, your colleagues or your friends?
More importantly what do you expect of yourself?
These questions gave me plenty of food for thought when I did the Managing Expectations module of the Living ADDventure® ADHD Coaching Programme.
The Why Factor
"BECAUSE I SAID SO!"
Any parent who can honestly say that they have never used those words is either a liar or on the fast track to Sainthood.
Nature is cruel. The "why" phase starts when Moms and Dads are at their most vulnerable. This is inevitably when we are exhausted as our little darlings have not yet learned that 8 hours sleep a night is desirable; our precious possessions are being systematically destroyed as we lose the race to childproof our homes; Moms if they are fortunate enough to stay at home are grieving the loss of careers and freedom and Dads are wondering how the heck they are going to earn enough to feed an extra mouth on one salary instead of two.
For most Moms, staying home is not an option so there is the added burden of trying to be wife, mother, domestic worker and crust earner too.
The first couple of "Why" questions rapidly become a game for the toddler who revels in the reactions from Mom and Dad. Manipulation is one of the first achievements of many children.
Managing time so it doesn't manage you
ADDers have the ability to hyper-focus and get so wrapped up in what they are doing that they forget everything else. We also have difficulty in estimating how long a task will take. To make ourselves feel good we will take on more than we should and we run out of time.